


If I Ever Lose Myself

by damieownsmyheart



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attempt at Humor, F/F, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27514987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damieownsmyheart/pseuds/damieownsmyheart
Summary: Sixteen letters; sixteen letters that were sent by Danielle Clayton after she ran away. Jamie Taylor did not even know the girl at all, but why was she the one Dani sent the letters to?Jamie Taylor is a simple woman. She works at her flower shop during the day and then she visits the local pub during the night, which, if she were honest, was the only thing that kept her day interesting. She gets to meet new people and gets to judge them by how they look and no one would question it. One day, a blonde walks in the pub and changes her life for the worst.
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Edmund O'Mara, Dani Clayton/Jamie, Hannah Grose/Owen Sharma
Comments: 15
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

“Dani Clayton? Who's Danielle Clayton?” Jamie was just sitting around in her shop the whole day. The business has been running slow ever since the new flower shop across the street was opened. _Damn that little bastard, Edmund_ , she thought. But she was not able to do anything about it, even if she wanted to. So she just cursed the man silently from afar and always flipped him off whenever he waved at her. That's why Jamie was so shocked when the man came in her shop, asking her in a very polite manner if she has seen a blonde with blue eyes who was wearing a pink sweater and jeans.

“My fiancé. She- uh, she ran away the day before our wedding.” Now, Jamie was intrigued. She wanted to joke about Edmund's fiancé running away and how Dani made the right choice in escaping a life where she would be stuck with Edmund forever, but Jamie could not joke about that. This was a serious matter and there wasn't anything to joke about at all. Or at least she thinks there isn't.

“Sorry, mate. I haven't seen her, but I'll let you know if I find her roaming around.” Edmund's facial expression turned into a frown when Jamie said she didn't see Dani, but he smiled appreciatively, nonetheless.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.” Was all Jamie said before she turned around, focusing on her plants once again, pretending she was busy arranging a bouquet, even though they both knew that no one bought anything from her shop anymore. Edmund smiled one last time before walking out of her shop. Jamie released a breath she didn't know she was holding and proceeded to close her shop for the day, knowing that that was probably going to be the last time she'll get to close her shop.

\---

Jamie knocked on the door of the pub two times before someone opened it. “Hey, Owen.” She smiled at the man and proceeded to walk inside with Owen shutting the door behind her. “Hannah.” Jamie greeted the woman who was sitting on the couch, smiling back at her.

“How was work?”

“Well, I'm selling the shop now. No one bothers to come in any more ever since that piece of shite Eddie opened up his own flower shop from across the street.” Owen and Hannah exchanged a look that Jamie knew all too well. “Yes, I know that his girlfriend or whatever ran away the day before their wedding. But I think he deserves it. He's a bit too boring and plain, and he's a business-stealer. He can't come up with anything original and I feel like he deserves a slap on his face.” Jamie placed her bag on the couch, not bothering to look up to see the expressions on Owen and Hannah's faces.

“What do you think?” Jamie asked.

Hannah shot her a warning look and Jamie just shrugged it off. “It's just a Christian concern, Hannah. Besides, I'd like to hear some theories before I go to bed.” Jamie crossed her legs and looked at Hannah and Owen patiently until one of them spoke up. “I think the fiancé couldn't handle the pressure of being married and planning the wedding.” said Owen. “But she ran away the day _before_ the wedding. I'm sure they've already prepared everything by then.” countered Jamie. Owen nodded and looked at Hannah for an answer.

“I'm not interested in gossip.” Hannah stood up and threw a pillow at Jamie. “Ouch.” Jamie complained. “So, you should just go to bed early and relax. I'm sure that the people won't miss you here anyway.” Hannah joked. “Hey! The people love me. I'm funny and I don't lie to them. And I also give them advices on how to make their lives better. So I think that they'll miss me very much.” Jamie joked but still stood up. “But yeah, I could really use a good night's sleep.”

As Jamie was about to head up the stairs, Owen called her attention once again.

“A letter came for you today.” Jamie looked at him, confused as to why anyone would send her a letter.

“From whom?"

“It doesn't say.” Jamie nodded as she took the letter and said a soft “Thank you” to Owen.

Reaching for her key, Jamie opened the door to her room nervously. A thousand questions reaching her mind every second that went by. Finally, she successfully opened the door and closed it as fast as she could once she got inside. She didn't bother changing her clothes, as she was very anxious on what the letter said, and she didn't know who sent it to her, so that made it even worse.

Not wasting any more time, Jamie took the letter from the envelope and read it silently, her hands still shaking.

_**“Jamie.** _

_**Hi. You may not remember me, but... It's Dani. Dani Clayton. The girl you met at this pub six months ago...”** _

_Well, fuck_. Jamie thought. 


	2. Chapter 1

_**SIX MONTHS EARLIER** _

The pub was surprisingly busy today; there was no special occasion whatsoever, but everyone was celebrating and drinking as if their lives depended on it.

Jamie was wearing her usual gray checkered shirt and had a bandana wrapped around her head. She was also drinking a lot tonight, for no particular reason at all. Well, there was _one_ reason. Jamie had just opened her flower shop and the business proved to be quite a success. Except for the part where she had to yell at kids who would "accidentally" destroy her pots. It was stressful, but she had to go through with it. Before opening her shop, Jamie used to lie around in her bed all day, and she only left when she had to go take care of her plants. That was her life. She would wake, she would take care of her plants, and then she would sleep.

Owen and Hannah grew concerned of Jamie, and so they forced her to go find something to do with her free time, since they did not have any more ideas. The gardener was mad at them for a while, but eventually, she realized that maybe that wasn't a bad plan after all. "And so, now I'm here, celebrating." Jamie finished her story and the surrounding people cheered, raising their glasses and drinking it all at once. "Congratulations, Taylor." One of the girls had said. Jamie eyed her suspiciously. "Vi, if you think that I'll let you have one more bottle just because you congratulated me... Then you're absolutely right!" Viola smiled widely as Owen passed her another bottle of rum.

"Savor that drink, Willoughby. 'Cause that's going to be the last bottle you're going to get from me." Jamie warned.

"Noted."

The group continued celebrating and drinking for the night, until they became tired and had to leave. They all said their goodbyes and promised to do this again another time. As Jamie was about to close up, someone knocked on the door? Confused as ever, Jamie opened the door and saw a woman, who's a bit taller than her, wearing a denim jacket and a casual outfit. "Hi." The blonde greeted. "Hi...?" Jamie said with a little uncertainty in her voice. "Uh, are you still open?" "No." The blonde woman frowned, but did not move.

"Jesus." Jamie muttered as she let her in. The blonde smiled gratefully at her, sitting down in one of the stools. "Owen, I'm going to entertain one more customer! I'll close up, I promise!" Jamie shouted, so that Owen or Hannah could hear. Once Jamie heard an "Okay" from Owen, she faced the blonde once more and asked her what drink she wanted to get.

"Sorry?"

"I asked you what drink you wanted to get." Jamie tried to sound annoyed, but for some reason, she couldn't get herself to be mad at the woman in front of her.

"I'll have a beer, thanks."

Jamie grabbed two bottles of beer from the shelf and passed one to the blonde. Then, she sat down and looked at her intently. There was something different about the blonde that Jamie couldn't really explain. Jamie has so many questions. Questions like why she found her hard to read, why she seemed different from the people that randomly walks in the pub, and why, for the first time in a long time, she found someone _interesting._

The blonde looked away from the bartender and took a sip of her drink. It's not that she was uncomfortable; it's just that she felt so _seen_ and that the bartender could somehow see right through to her. Moments passed and the silence continued until finally, Jamie realized that she would not be able to get answers by staring, and so she asked the woman in front of her "What's your story?" The blonde was startled at first, but still spoke, nonetheless.

"Okay, first, my name is Dani." She said. Jamie didn't answer and just stared at the woman intently, causing Dani to speak up again as fast as she could. "I just wanted to tell you my name before I tell you what I'm doing here." She clarified and Jamie simply nodded.

"So um, I went here to London to get a new start. A week ago, I actually got hired as an au pair for two kids at Bly Manor."

"I left my hometown because I wanted to get away from everything. My home, my problems and... my boyfriend. I was supposed to break up with him on the day that I was supposed to leave, but, he, uh, he proposed to me." Dani paused before continuing. "It all just happened so fast, I guess. I told him that I needed time to think about it, and then I left. I've been here for six months now, and yesterday, he called. He just... He just seemed so sad and broken, and he has been my best friend ever since we were kids, and I didn't want him to be broken because of me... And so, I said yes."

Dani looked at the bartender to look for any reaction at all, but found none. So, she continued. "He's coming here tomorrow with his mom to plan the wedding and I- I can't do it. I can't be married to him. I love him, I do. But just not... Not in the way he wants it to be."

"Then why'd you say yes?" The bartender spoke up for the first time, startling Dani. Dani quickly regained her composure and told the bartender what she said just a few moments ago. "I told you, I don't want him to be broken because of me. I don't want him to get hurt." She tried to explain.

"Well, Poppins, I think it's better if you tell him the truth than just lie to him for the rest of your life. Imagine how he would feel if he finds out your entire relationship was a lie. He wouldn't be able to bring back the time he spent with you, and I reckon that you would eventually break and tell him. So why not do it while there's still time?"

"But-"

"You don't have any more excuses. You need to let go." The bartender reasoned as she took a sip of her drink. "No more excuses, Poppins. Tell him the truth while you still can." The bartender downed the rest of her drink and put the bottle down.

"It's getting late. You should go." The bartender said as politely as she could.

"Yeah." Dani took out her wallet but Jamie stopped her. "No need. It's on the house." Dani seemed hesitant.

"Don't worry about it, really. Just go home and tell him the truth."

"Thank you." Dani said as she stood up and headed for the door.

"It's Jamie." The blonde turned around and faced the bartender for one last time. "My name's Jamie Taylor." She clarified. "Thank you for the drink, Jamie Taylor. I guess I'll see you around." Dani smiled at Jamie one last time before heading out of the pub.

Jamie finally let out the smile she was holding back as she was locking up. She had hoped to see the blonde once again, but unfortunately, she never did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if you notice a lot of grammatical mistakes. English is not my first language and this is my first time writing an actual fan fiction. I hope that you can all cut me some slack a little lmao. Anyways, I hope you all have a nice day or night!!


	3. Chapter 2

_**PRESENT DAY** _

_**"Jamie.** _

_**Hi. You may not remember me, but... It's Dani. Dani Clayton. The girl you met at this pub six months ago... I didn't take your advice, and I'm sorry for that. I didn't tell Eddie. I just couldn't. And so, I ran away again, without telling him anything this time. I know that I shouldn't have run away, and I know that I should've just told him, but I chickened out. I'm sorry.** _

_**You probably don't remember me anymore, and I don't know the reason why I'm even writing this letter to you. I just wanted to explain what I did, I guess. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you have a nice day.** _

_**-Dani"** _

"What the hell have you gotten yourself into, Poppins?" Jamie murmured to herself as she set the letter down on the table, somewhat relieved that that wasn't anything she had to concern herself with.

\---

Jamie couldn't sleep.

She tried to sleep multiple times, but Dani Clayton just couldn't get out of her head. Jamie tossed and turned in her bed, but that did not help at all. Instead, it only made her stay up even longer. After what felt like hours, Jamie finally gave up the idea of trying to sleep and put on her favorite clothes before she headed downstairs, where everything interesting happened.

The pub was very busy today, just like all the other days before. There was a lot of people, drinking and chatting, and having conversations with each other. Jamie felt really jealous; jealous that people could just go on with their lives and have fun, not knowing how much pain they will feel once they get hurt. That's why Jamie stays away from people. They needed too much effort and you won't get anything back once they hurt you. It's why Jamie stays away _most_ of the time. Plants, however, are a different story. You put your hard work and effort into them, and they give something back, something beautiful, unlike people. People- _Human beings were only created to hurt each other_. Jamie kept that in mind and lived by it, in fact, that is the exact reason why she didn't have that many friends to begin with. Not that she was complaining, of course. _People are exhausting._

There is one plant that Jamie liked the most, and that is the moonflower. The moonflower, as Jamie described it, _is rare and beautiful_ , and she often compared them to people; _but sometimes_ , she thought, _someone, like the moonflower, might just be worth the effort._

Jamie shook away her thoughts and sat down at her favorite spot in the pub. It was located in the corner, and no one usually sat there, which Jamie was very grateful for. She sat there and observed the people in the pub, trying to guess what they came here for. That was what Jamie always did when she had nothing else to do in the pub. She observes the people, and then she guesses why they're here, and then gives herself points if her guess was right. Jamie loved doing that, and frankly, she would never be tired of that game, because that was the only game she was willing to play. _Other games are dangerous,_ she thought.

As Jamie was about to continue playing the game in her head, someone came up to her and disrupted her train of thought.

"Mind if I sit?"

"No, not at all." Jamie pointed at the chair across of her and the woman sat down silently.

"What are you doing here, Vi?" Jamie tried her best not to snap at the woman. Jamie didn't want company, but she also did not want to be rude to Viola. "I'm sorry about your shop." Was all Viola had said before Owen came to their table and gave Viola a bottle of beer. Owen then went away to serve all the other customers, not noticing Jamie because of how busy the pub was with everyone calling his attention to get more bottles or glasses of whatever drink they were having. It was hectic, for sure. Owen clearly needed more people to help, but he doesn't want to admit it. So he's stuck every night, trying to serve everyone all by himself. Hannah helps him sometimes, but Owen doesn't want her to. He says that she should relax and go have fun, but Hannah ignores him and helps anyway. The two obviously had feelings for one another, but they have no idea how to admit it.

"Yeah, managing my shop was fun while it lasted." Jamie stole Viola's bottle away from her and took a sip of the beer. "Hey, give that back!" Viola complained, but she didn't mean it. She knew how much Jamie loved her shop, and she also knew how much work she put into it, and so Viola let her take the bottle. That was the least she could do.

It all went silent for a few minutes before Viola decided to speak up once again. "You know," she started. "You could work in the Manor, if you want to. We're obviously in need of a new gardener, and I'm sure you know that." Jamie didn't even take a second to think of an answer. "And have to deal with those two little gremlins? No, thank you." "Come on, Jamie. They're not _that_ bad." Viola stated and Jamie rolled her eyes. "Not bad, huh? Then explain to me why the previous au pair ran away with that bloke, Peter Quint, only leaving a note that said 'I can't take this anymore. Please don't try to find us.'."

"Ha ha, very funny. You know that Rebecca ran away because Peter lied to her and manipulated her. I don't even know what she saw in him. Surely, there were much better options. But no, she chose Peter fucking Quint. The idiot who stole tons of jewelry from my family." Viola said with despise. "Maybe in an alternate universe, perhaps, I could've died and haunted him. I would've dragged him to the lake and drowned him." She added with seriousness in her tone. But seconds later, she and Jamie burst into laughter. "Jesus, Vi, you really hate him, do you?" "Yes, I do, and I'm not ashamed of it." Jamie passed the bottle to Viola and Viola finished the drink immediately, not surprising Jamie at all.

"Anyways, even if he ran away with the jewelry and took the au pair with him, I'm actually kind of glad that he did." Jamie knitted her eyebrows in confusion.

"Why?"

"Because we got a much better replacement. A new au pair. She treats the kids well, and she disciplines them when necessary. She's even got them doing labor." Viola smiled as she said those words. "And she's gorgeous too."

"Are you in love with her or something?" Jamie teased, but Viola shook her head. "No. I swore off of romance ever since... You know. Besides, she sort of has a crush on a certain bartender whom she met six months ago." Viola eyed Jamie, as if trying to figure out if she has a clue on which she's referring to.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" Jamie asked, as clueless as ever.

 _So she doesn't know_ , Viola thought.

"No, it's just that you never told me anything about her, Jamie. This gave me the conclusion that you don't know anything at all." At this point, Jamie was beyond confused. "What the hell are you talking about, Vi?"

"The au pair's name is Danielle Clayton."


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible Trigger Warning: Mentions of drowning in the first few paragraphs  
> \---  
> I admit, this chapter isn't exactly my best work and I have no idea what was going on in my head when I wrote this. So, I'm sorry if this chapter is bad.

"The au pair's name is Danielle Clayton."

Jamie froze in her seat, her eyes as wide as ever. Who could've guessed that the Dani she met six months ago is the same Dani that is Edmund O'Mara's fiancé that is also the same Dani who works as an au pair at her friend's Manor.

Jamie just suddenly remembered that Dani said she got hired as an au pair at Bly Manor. _Why did I forget this?_ Jamie asked herself. To say that Jamie needed a lot of time to digest this information was an understatement. Jamie felt like her heart was trying to leap out of her chest, but not in a good way. She felt like she could not breathe, and she felt like she was underwater. Hidden at the bottom of the ocean, trying to go back to the shore where she could see everything so clearly. Now, she felt so small and that scared her, so much so that she felt trapped in her own thoughts and that no one would be able to bring her back. Jamie heard muffled voices surrounding her, but she could not hear them clearly. It was distorted and unclear. She couldn't move her own body, and she couldn't feel herself. It was like she was there, but she couldn't feel it.

Finally, after what felt like hours of drowning underwater, Jamie came back to her senses. Her vision was starting to get clearer and brighter. She could feel herself again. Jamie looked at her surroundings and found herself back at the table, with Viola, who was saying her name over and over again in worry.

“Jesus, Jamie. You scared me.” Viola reached out to hug her friend, but Jamie wasn't able to react directly because she was still overwhelmed by everything she had just heard, seen and experienced. Viola pulled away from the hug and looked at Jamie with concern written all over her face. “Are you okay?” she asked the gardener, who looked much shaken. “What?” Viola did not repeat her question again, because a bundle of questions came pouring down from her head like confetti. She disregarded them, of course. Now was not the time for questions. “You sort of looked like you were having hard time breathing. For a moment there, I thought I should've called a doctor.” Viola was still worried about Jamie. Well, who wouldn't be worried in this situation?

“I'm fine, Vi. I just need rest, that's all.” Jamie rushed herself to stand up, not making eye contact at all. Viola understood the signal, of course. Jamie wants to be alone. Viola knew that, and she decided not to pry any longer. “Okay, but if you ever need anything, I'm just one call away.” Viola said. “Got it, thanks.” Jamie started walking to the stairway leading up to her room, hoping that Viola won't tell her to stay. “Hey, Jamie.” Viola called out for one last time. “Yeah?” “What do you think about the new au pair?” Jamie was taken aback from that question. Viola was not aware that the au pair was the reason why Jamie had that little incident just a couple of minutes ago, so Jamie did not hold that against her. “Uh, I think she's... Great, yeah. She's great.” Jamie mumbled before rushing to her room, not leaving any more chance for Viola to ask more questions.

Once Jamie reached the comfort of her own room, she passed out on her bed, clearly exhausted from everything that had happened during this day. “I'll deal with this in the morning.” She told herself before she fell asleep.

\---

The light coming in Jamie's room was blinding, since Jamie had forgotten to close her blinds last night. The sounds of birds chirping and the feel of the heat of the sun that grazed her skin had awoken the young woman. She tried standing up, but quickly fell back down as she lost her sense of sight for a brief moment. Jamie groaned and placed a pillow in her own face, as if trying to shield herself from the sun.

Jamie stayed lying in her bed for a few seconds before she heard a light knock coming from the door. She rushed trying to get out of bed, but first checking if she was decent enough to greet the stranger behind that door. Once she made sure everything was alright, she opened the door reluctantly, but only saw Owen. “Oh. It's just you.” Jamie said feeling a little disappointed. Who did she expect to see behind that door? She doesn't know either.

Owen, a little taken aback by Jamie's expression, held up a little envelope for Jamie to see. “What's that?” Jamie rubbed her eyes, as she realized she was still a bit tired from the night before. Although she didn't want to think about it, a part of her knew that the envelope Owen is holding has something to do with Dani Clayton. “A letter, I guess. It's the second time you've gotten a letter this week... Is there something you're not telling us?” Owen raised his eyebrow, amused but Jamie quickly snatched the envelope away from him. “It's none of your business.” She gave Owen a death glare that caused him to laugh. “Alright, alright. I won't pry any longer.” Owen raised both of his hands up in surrender. Jamie shook him off and closed the door in front of his face. Jamie was clearly not in the mood for any... _Shenanigans_.

When Jamie heard Owen going back to his room, she took that as a clue that no one would bother her anymore and that she was safe from prying eyes. It's not that she doesn't trust Owen, she does. It's just that Jamie was embarrassed of how someone she barely even knows is sending her letters and is making her deal with something she does not want to be a part of.

Looking at the carefully sealed envelope, Jamie felt like her heart started beating faster and faster every time she stayed looking at it. It took her a moment to realize that she was staring at the envelope for too long. The front part of the envelope had her name written on it, the handwriting was neat, and it looked like it took a lot of time to write, which was odd, considering that that was just a _name_. _Her_ name.

“ **Jamie Taylor** ”. It had said.

Jamie opened the envelope like it was something fragile; something important. The gardener did not usually open letters this way. She'd usually just open them carelessly, not caring if they were invitations, payments, or any other things she deems “unnecessary”. She held the letter like it was one of her plants. Jamie held the letter in her hand as carefully as she could, trying to not damage the little piece of paper. That was what it was, right? Just a little piece of paper. The gardener, however, did not see it as a random piece of paper that was waiting to be ripped apart. She felt as if the thing she held in her hands was important, and she felt like she would not let anyone touch it. Strange, really. Jamie never felt this way before.

Finally, after what felt like hours of staring, she finally read the contents of the paper.

“ _Jamie,_

 _Hi. It's me, Dani, again. You probably don't want anything to do with me, but Miss Lloyd dared me to do this because I lost a bet that we had a week ago. Anyway, um, I don't really know what to say, but I will try to explain to you on what the dare is. Basically, Miss Lloyd said to me that if I lost the bet (and I did lose it, by the way), I would send you a letter every day for sixteen days. When I asked her why she wanted me to do that, she said 'Jamie needs someone to mess up her boring life'. I'm sorry if uh, if this annoys you. You could just throw away the rest of the letters I'll send, if you want to. No one's stopping you, but uh, just don't tell Miss Lloyd or else she'll search everywhere until she finds the letters, and she'll probably force you to read it_...” Jamie laughed as quietly as she could. _Typical Viola_ , she thought.

“... _So, yeah, uh, this is my first letter to you. It's just short because I don't really know what to say. Um, I guess I'll send another letter tomorrow. It's not like I have a choice but anyway, I hope you have a nice day!!_

 _-Dani_ ”

When Jamie finished reading the letter, she smiled contently. What she thought was going to be a dreadful morning has turned out to be a wonderful day as the thought of the au pair crossed her mind now and then, making her smile.

And that smile stayed on for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will contain a little insight on what is currently happening in Bly and will sort of be told in Dani's perspective.


	5. Chapter 4

Bly Manor. It's a great good place, they all said- or at least, that's what Dani Clayton heard from the people of the town. Dani was very well aware of the rumors, although she did not really believe it until she saw it for herself.

The manor was quite huge, it had rooms fit for a whole town, almost. But of course, the manor was not quite what Dani had expected. She imagined two kids, running and always kicking up a fuss, she imagined it would be stressful, but still, she took the job, not knowing what to expect. When Dani first arrived, she wondered, "Is this enough for me right now?" Dani was always doubtful of everything. Her life choices, her preferred interests, and even her relationship. She always wondered, "Is it enough?" and she'd always come up with the same answer. _No_ , she thought. _No, it wasn't enough_. Even if she tried to pretend that it was enough, even though she tried setting aside her happiness to make everyone around her happy, even if she gave up what she truly wanted to achieve in life just for the sake of others, she always knew it wasn't enough.

A part of her always knew, actually. But she hadn't really considered it until she came in that one pub six months ago, where she met a lovely woman who gave her advice on what she had to do. Of course, everyone always warned her not to take advice from strangers, but there was something _different_ about the woman she had talked to. It's like Dani just walked in and knew right at that moment that the woman in front of her was special, and she felt like the woman could see her soul (not in a creepy kind of way, but the comforting kind) and saw what she truly felt behind that facade she's always putting up for everyone around her. When she talked to the bartender, she felt like she did not have to pretend at all, and that whatever she was about to share would be kept a secret that is only saved for the two of them.

Dani had hoped to know the name of the bartender, and she did. Just as she was about to walk out of the pub, the bartender had given her name. Jamie. _A beautiful name for a beautiful person_ , Dani thought. Jamie was the one who gave Dani the opportunity to turn her life around. Well, not really the opportunity, it was more like a go signal that she could still change things and do whatever she wanted with her life. And that's what Dani did. She changed things.

She ran away (that was the only option she could think of that doesn't involve having to face Eddie), and she started working full-time as an au pair in Bly Manor for two lovely children, and she's now living the life she did not know she needed. It was all just _perfectly splendid_ , like Flora Wingrave had said. Flora, who is one of the two kids who Dani is supposed to take care of, was always polite and charming. But sometimes, Dani could see the pain in her eyes when somebody mentions her and Miles's parents, who died in a car accident just a few years back. The children did not deserve to go through any of that pain, and Dani wishes she could just take away all the bad things that haunt the children. Not literally, though. There were no actual ghosts, but instead, it was the bad memories that were haunting them.

The children's ways of coping were very different. Flora would make dolls for everyone to 'keep them safe', while Miles would try acting like an adult who could make his own decisions. The au pair's heart ached for their pain. It was clear that they miss their parents a lot, and they just needed someone to stay and take care of them for as long as possible. When Dani first arrived, the children were somewhat distant. It was like they had conditioned themselves to not get attached to people too quickly, in fear of that person leaving like everybody else in their life did. But of course, Dani convinced the kids that she's not going to leave them any time soon.

Viola, who is the children's legal guardian (she's the only relative who was willing to take care of the children) had told Dani everything. Viola told her about Peter Quint, Rebecca Jessel, and all the necessary details she needed to know before she met the children. Dani has been the children's au pair for six months now- seven, almost. She used to go home every day for Eddie, but now, she could finally focus on the children without any distractions. She loved Eddie, but she only ever saw him as a best friend rather than a lover. Dani realized that a long time ago, but thought that if she kept pretending for a little while longer, she would eventually feel the way she was supposed to. But she didn't. She only felt more trapped, and she felt like she could not even have a moment to just think clearly about what she really wanted.

Now, she finally felt free and that she could breathe after a very long time of pretending and lying to herself. It was good and it was almost perfect. Until her and Viola started a bet, which was how she ended up in this situation, writing another letter for the bartender whom she met a few months ago.

The bet was simple.

The children, at that time, were very dependent on Dani, and they wouldn't do anything without involving Dani. Viola started the bet that focused on the children doing something without Dani. If they start becoming more independent, Viola wins the bet. If not, then Dani wins. They both knew that involving the children was a bad idea, but they did it anyway. It was all harmless... Until it wasn't.

Dani doesn't know this, but, Viola convinced the children to play along. She told them "Listen, if you don't get your shits together, Miss Clayton would never be happy ever again, and we don't want her to be sad now, do we?" The children loved Dani and would do anything to make her happy, and so they agreed to become more independent. Dani was very surprised by that, but she did not look into it that much because she was just so happy that the children started doing something that did not involve in her helping them.

Viola knew that Dani had a crush on Jamie, and that's why she started the bet in the first place. To bring Damie (yes, she came up with that name by herself so that she wouldn't have to say "Dani and Jamie" because it was too long for her to say) closer together, and so that there's a good chance that a relationship will be formed. Viola told Dani to send a letter to Jamie every day for sixteen days, and of course, Dani had to do it because Viola won the bet and because it's a reason for her to talk to Jamie.

In that one night Dani had talked to Jamie, she felt like she had to stay in her life and just be close to her no matter what, but Dani did not come back to the pub again because she was afraid that Jamie might find her annoying, and that's why she stayed away. Now, she can't stay away because that was not an option and Dani did not want to upset Viola, although, little does she know, Viola did not think about herself at all when she placed the bet. Viola planned this entire thing out and Dani doesn't even know.

Dani threw her pen across her room in frustration. Why was she so scared to write a letter to Jamie? Why is she such a nervous wreck? Why is this even happening? Why-

Dani stopped what she was doing when she saw Viola in front of her, looking amused. Viola was wearing a simple white shirt and jeans. _Even if she wears a trash bag, she'd still look stunning_ , Dani thought to herself. Dani was always a little insecure about how she looked, but she tries to hide it from people. Viola never noticed it though, as she wished _she_ could look like the au pair. It's a silly thing, really. Both women were gorgeous as hell, and yet they couldn't see it. I guess that's what always happens with people. Others can see how beautiful they are, but they don't notice it themselves. Everyone has a trait like that, I suppose.

"Oh, um, I'm sorry. I didn't notice that you were there." Dani apologized.

"It's all right." Viola assured Dani, sitting down on the stool next to her. She noticed how Dani was getting frustrated, and she started to feel bad for her. "You know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. That's completely fine by me. But I just really wanted you to get to know Jamie." Viola said softly and gave Dani a reassuring smile. "Why though?" Dani asked. The reality of the situation was now catching up to her, and she was starting to wonder why Viola thought about this in the first place.

"Jamie needs someone in her life, someone to be there for her and someone who can understand her. She's my best friend and it hurts me to know that she's always pretending that everything's fine. She jokes about her own pain for Christ's sake. I do that too, but she... She's a different situation. Jamie doesn't like talking about herself and always changes the topic when she thinks she's talking or sharing too much, when in reality, she's sharing too little." Viola said sadly, her eyes meeting Dani's. "I'm sorry if you feel like I'm pressuring you to talk to her and I'm sorry if this is too much for you to handle. But I'm not sorry for trying to make Jamie happy." Viola stated, sternly. "I'll never be sorry for that."

"Jamie deserves to be happy, and so do you, Dani. You both do. That's the only reason why I wanted you to do this in the first place. I just wanted you to know that." Viola tried smiling a little before she left Dani's room.

For a few minutes, Dani just sat there, until she finally knew what to do.

She picked up her pencil and started writing her letter.


End file.
